Devin Jacobs
Navigating conversations about parenthood with sensitivity and respect is crucial, especially when talking to a childless couple. While often well-intentioned, certain comments can be hurtful or intrusive, disregarding personal circumstances and emotions. Here are 15 things you should avoid saying to a childless couple and detailed explanations of why these remarks can be problematic.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?”
This question can be deeply invasive. Childless couples may be facing issues like infertility and financial constraints, or it might be a personal choice. Asking this puts them in a position to explain their private lives, which can be uncomfortable and painful.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” (Contn’d)
Instead of focusing on why they don’t have children, ask open-ended questions that allow the couple to share their experiences. Phrasing inquiries like, “Have you thought about what your future looks like?” acknowledges their autonomy and invites them to discuss their lives without the pressure of conforming to societal norms.
“You’re so lucky you don’t have to deal with kids.”
While it might seem like a lighthearted comment, it can come off as dismissive. Many childless couples may long for kids and face emotional struggles. This remark can trivialize their feelings and imply that their lives are somehow easier without having to deal with kids.
“You’ll change your mind someday.”
This statement assumes that their current decision or situation is temporary and invalid. Whether they are childless by choice or circumstance, it’s essential to respect their current state without suggesting they will or should change their minds because that is the right thing to do.
“Who will take care of you when you’re old?”
Such comments can invoke fear and anxiety about the future. It implies that the primary purpose of having children is to ensure care in old age, which is a narrow and utilitarian view of parenthood. They also disregard the many ways people can build support systems outside of having children.
“But you’d make such great parents!”
While meant as a compliment, this can be a painful reminder for those who want children but cannot have them. This also suggests that their worth or potential is tied to their ability to parent, overlooking their other qualities and achievements.
“They bring so much joy!”
For couples who long for children but face infertility or other obstacles, this remark can be a painful reminder of what they are missing. It may amplify feelings of sadness, loss, and inadequacy. Hearing that they are the ultimate source of joy can make them feel their happiness is incomplete or conditional upon having kids.
“They bring so much joy!” (Contn’d)
On the other hand, for those who have chosen not to have children, this statement can come off as judgmental, suggesting that their decision is a mistake or that they are missing out on a crucial aspect of life. This disregards that joy and fulfillment can be found in many different aspects of life, not just through parenthood.
“You don’t know real love until you have a child.”
Love comes in various forms, and this remark belittles the deep affection shared by childless couples with their partners, families, friends, and pets. This statement also suggests that their emotional connections are somehow less significant or lacking, which is painful and inaccurate.
“Is something wrong with you?”
Without a doubt, this is an extremely intrusive and insensitive question. Here, it insinuates a problem where there may not be one and can make couples feel judged or defective. Medical issues are private, and no one should feel compelled to discuss their health or personal struggles with random people.
“Is something wrong with you?” (Contn’d)
Additionally, the question assumes there is a problem when there might not be one. Some couples may have chosen not to have children for personal, financial, or lifestyle reasons. This choice does not reflect a deficiency or a flaw but rather a deliberate decision that suits their lives and values.
“When are you going to start a family?”
Yet another question that assumes that a family only begins with the arrival of children. Childless couples may already consider themselves a complete family. Such remarks can make them feel pressured or inadequate, reinforcing a narrow definition of family.
“You must have so much free time and money!”
While childless couples might have different responsibilities, this comment can be patronizing. It overlooks the potential financial and emotional costs they might be enduring and reduces their lives to superficial advantages.
“Do you hate kids or something?”
Assuming that a lack of children equates to a dislike of kids is unfair and judgmental. Many childless couples enjoy spending time with children and have meaningful relationships with nieces, nephews, and friends’ children. This comment oversimplifies their situation and can be hurtful.
“It’s selfish not to have kids.”
It is a highly judgmental statement. Deciding not to have children can be a responsible and self-aware choice based on personal, financial, or environmental considerations. Calling it selfish disregards many couples’ thoughtful decisions about their lives and futures.
“You’ll regret it later.”
Predicting regret imposes your beliefs onto someone else’s life. Everyone’s path is different, and suggesting future regret undermines their current choices and experiences. It also adds unnecessary pressure and anxiety about their decisions.
“You’re not getting any younger.”
Reminding couples of their biological clock can be stressful and insensitive, especially for those facing fertility issues or who are uncertain about parenthood. This comment can come off as a criticism of their life timeline and choices, making it sound like they are irresponsible.
“You’re not getting any younger.” (Contn’d)
In addition to biological concerns, the decision to have kids involves various other factors, such as financial stability, career goals, personal readiness, and relationship dynamics. Couples often consider these elements carefully and make choices that align with their situation.
“Don’t worry; you can borrow my kids!”
While often meant humorously, this comment trivializes the couple’s feelings, especially if they struggle to have kids. It suggests that spending time with other people’s children can replace the desire for their own, which can be dismissive of their emotional pain.
“Don’t worry; you can borrow my kids!” (Contn’d)
Moreover, this comment can devalue the genuine joys and challenges of parenthood. By framing children as something that can be “borrowed,” it reduces the complex, lifelong commitment of parenting to a mere convenience.
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