Lisa O
Talk is a map people draw while they speak, and sometimes the map is tilted on purpose. Small moves shift who leads the talk and what gets remembered. These tactics range from sloppy to calculated, and they work by steering attention or shrinking options. Knowing them helps you stay clearer and respond without getting railroaded.
Anchoring
Someone drops a bold number or a confident claim early, and the rest of the room begins to orbit around it. That first figure feels like solid ground, so people measure everything against it. Anchoring is basically setting the conversation’s baseline and hoping others accept it. If you sense an anchor, call for the source or offer a different starting point. Reframing the baseline takes the wind from that trick’s sails.
Leading Questions
Some questions are less about curiosity and more about steering. They’re framed so the answer feels obvious, even if it isn’t what you wanted to say. A friend or coworker may slip one in casually, but the effect is the same—you end up agreeing without realizing you’ve been nudged. The only way to disarm it is to pause, reframe the question, and answer on your own terms.
Gaslighting
Conversations can turn unsettling when someone steadily denies what you remember or feel. Over time, their corrections chip away until you start questioning yourself instead of them. It isn’t about a single argument but about planting enough doubt to shift control. The most effective response is to hold onto your version of events, write things down if needed, and step back when clarity feels too hard to keep.
False Choice
“Either this or nothing” is a pressure move: narrow the options and force a cornered decision. A false choice works by erasing the middle ground and making the only alternatives look extreme. It’s a corner you didn’t agree to. The easiest way to break it is to voice alternatives, ask for more time, or list third and fourth options out loud. Once the frame expands, the pressure fades.
Straw Man
Rather than wrestle with the real point, someone builds a weaker version and knocks that down. It feels clever because it’s easy to win against a caricature. The clean response is to calmly restate your original position and request that theyaddress it, not their invented version. Naming the distortion — “That’s not what I said” — forces a reset and puts the real argument back on the table.
Whataboutism
Arguments often get sidetracked by deflection. Instead of responding to a point, the other person digs up something unrelated and tosses it back at you. Suddenly, the focus shifts and accountability evaporates. It feels clever in the moment but it only muddies the water. The best response is steady focus—acknowledge the detour briefly, then bring the conversation back to the issue at hand.
Tone Policing
“Calm down” or “Don’t be so dramatic” pulls the focus off content and onto how something is said, often silencing the speaker. Tone policing privileges the listener’s comfort over the speaker’s point. It’s a way to win without addressing the issue. Respond by naming the move and insisting on the substance: “I hear you about tone. Can we discuss the facts first?” That shifts the burden back where it belongs.
Minimizing
“That’s nothing” or “You’re overreacting” shrinks a concern until it seems unimportant. Minimizing drains urgency andmakes the other person doubt their own scale. When you notice it, expand the frame: explain why it matters to you and give concrete effects. Making the impact visible prevents the brush-off from sticking and keeps the issue taken seriously instead of buried.
Double Bind
This is a trap that condemns you either way: act and you’re blamed; don’t act and you’re blamed. Both choices are criticized. The trick relies on emotional exhaustion and confusion. The way out is to call out the contradiction and refuse to play. Offer a third path or set a boundary. Exposing the impossible choice often collapses the structure that sustained it.
Appeal to Moral Superiority
Framing an opinion as the only “compassionate” or “ethical” choice puts people on the defensive. It’s less about ethics and more about steering behavior through judgment. Instead of accepting the moral label, ask for concrete steps: “What would compassion actually look like here?” Turning abstract virtue into tangible actions forces the speaker to trade moral theater for specifics.
Overwhelm with Detail
Dumping jargon, numbers, or an excess of facts buries the simplest point and makes the speaker look authoritative. It’s a fog machine: confusion equals control. If you’re drowning in detail, ask for a one-sentence summary or the main takeaway. Insist on the core claim. When someone must simplify, weak arguments often fall apart without the camouflage.
False Consensus
“Everyone thinks so” pretends the room is united when it isn’t. It pressures dissenters into silence with the fear of being alone. Break the illusion by asking who “everyone” is or inviting other views explicitly. Normalizing dissent — even saying, “I don’t agree” — makes it safer for others to speak up and breaks the spell of manufactured unanimity.
Conditional Approval
Praise that arrives only if you comply is a transactional carrot. “I’ll be proud of you if…” ties emotional reward to obedience. It’s a lever that trades warmth for control. The antidote is to notice the exchange and separate your choices from conditional affection. Seek feedback and recognition that aren’t handcuffed to specific behaviors or strings.
Microaggressions
They creep in quietly—a throwaway comment, a backhanded compliment or a so-called joke that cuts a little too close. On their own, they might seem trivial, but stacked together, they leave weight. People sometimes brush them off, hoping to avoid conflict but silence keeps the habit alive. Speaking up in the moment, even with a simple “what did you mean by that?” often shifts the tone and sets a boundary.
Interrupting and Redirecting
Few things derail a conversation faster than being cut off mid-thought and pushed onto someone else’s topic. It strips away momentum and hands control to the interrupter. The fix isn’t complicated—pause, reclaim the space and finish what you meant to say. It may feel awkward at first, but standing firm protects the balance of the exchange and reminds others that your words matter too.