20 Reasons You Should Never Live In Florida

Florida: Yuck. Who wants to live in the state where people vacation? Just this weekend, my husband and our kids and I, and four other couples and their kids spent the entire day out in our boats on the Gulf of Mexico on a private island grilling amazing food, enjoying the sunshine and beautiful weather and watching our kids make memories and have a great time like we will do almost every weekend for the rest of the summer. It was pure torture swimming the clear blue water and laying in the white sand. Absolutely miserable – and that is just one of the reasons you should never bother living in Florida. Really – you will hate every second of it, and we will give you a few more reasons you don’t want to live in Florida.

Photos by Getty Images

Beautiful Weather

It is the worst! Living in a place where the sky is always blue, the breeze is perfection and the weather is a dream come true is miserable. Stay where you are and continue to wipe ice and snow from your car every morning and pack and unpack your winter and summer clothes with the changing of the seasons. Here you’ll just wear flip flops and tank tops all year long, and who wants to be comfortable and happy in such pretty weather?

Photos by Getty Images

Swimming Year-Round

It is such a drag to plan on tailgating at home to watch a college football game in November knowing that the kids will be in the pool all day and you will all be outside in the covered patio watching television on the 65-inch television on the wall above the outdoor kitchen and bar. What a drag. I mean, who wants to live life like that, being outside watching football and drinking beer and having fun all year?

Photos by Getty Images

Fresh Seafood

There is nothing worse about living in Florida than going to a restaurant and sitting in front of the clear blue ocean waters knowing that the lobster or crab claws you are about to order are totally fresh and delicious and they were probably alive and happy and free just that morning. Who wants fresh seafood all the time? It’s just one more reason you don’t want to waste your time living in the Sunshine State.

Photos by Getty Images

White Sand Beaches

Did you know that there is not one location in Florida more than 70 miles from a beach? Who wants to be within an hour of the beach all the time? Why would you want white sand beaches in your back yard all the time? Who wants to live where people vacation? Having the beach right there so that you can have some family fun, work on your tan and enjoy is just awful. I mean, stay away; you won’t want to suffer with us.

Photos by Getty Images

Ocean Views at Dinner

When I go to dinner and have to sit there with a cocktail and my lovely family and friends and watch the sun set over the ocean, I can’t believe this is my life and has been for almost 32 years. I mean, sunsets and ocean views with dinner? It’s just disgusting. You don’t want any part of that kind of stuff. You’re going to want to stay where you are and not bother with this kind of devastation. It’s really just miserable in so many ways.

Photos by Getty Images

Crystal Clear Spring Waters

Those places that are 70 miles or so from the ocean – and even places only 7 miles from the ocean – are filled with crystal clear springs that are beautiful, see-through and perfect for tubing. When we were growing up, we would drive the two miles to Rainbow Springs and get in our tubes, float down the river and hang out in the sun all day long. Who wants their kids to grow up in water like that doing things like that every single weekend?

Photos by Getty Images

Boating Every Weekend

On the days we were not on the river enjoying the springs, we were all on our boats (because all Floridians have boats) on the Gulf scalloping, tubing, heading out the islands to grill with friends and family. It’s what we do every single weekend for six months and it’s just miserable. I mean, all that fresh air and sunshine; gross. And don’t even get me started about being able to pull your boat right up to the docks of restaurants to go sit on the deck and enjoy a meal.

Photos by Getty Images

Having a Swimming Pool

You can’t live in Florida without a gorgeous in-ground pool. It is such a hassle to have a pool since everyone has one and every weekend is a constant, “Pool day at your house or mine,” with all your friends and family. The grilling, the drinking, the sun, the weather, the kids having fun, the memories; it’s just constant fun and excitement and good times around here. Who wants that kind of life?

Photos by Getty Images

Practically Free Utilities all Winter

Yet another thing you are going to hate about Florida winters; being able to keep your doors and windows open 24 hours a day because it’s too cold at 75 for bugs, but the breeze is perfect. You won’t use your heat or air but a few times a month and your utilities are practically free because of it. The knowledge that you’re going to save hundreds for three or four months at a time is just ridiculous, isn’t it?

Photos by Getty Images

Proximity to Cruise Ports

Yet another issue living in Florida is the fact that we live approximately 2 hours or less from three major cruise ports. That means we can choose to book a three night Bahamas cruise for less than $200 a person anytime we want and spend a long weekend away at a whim because we can literally book right now and be at the port before they take off in a few hours. It’s just so annoying to have that kind of access to the Caribbean right here.

Photos by Getty Images

Proximity to Theme Parks

Who wants to have season passes to Disney and Universal and Sea World and Busch Gardens and be able to go anytime you want and stay for an hour or 10 hours at a time if you choose? It’s so annoying to pay one time to go to a theme park as many times as you want for a whole year and enjoy the rides and things as often as you want for as long as you want. It is so hard living this close to the happiest place on earth. It’s clear no one wants to be this close to happiness.

Photos by Getty Images

Proximity to Beaches

Why would you want to live 7 miles from the beach and spend all your time on the boat or enjoying the view? It’s obviously not even close to fun. I mean, my kids hate going to the playground next to the bay that leads to the ocean and playing, getting frozen yogurt at our friend’s adorable frozen yogurt shop and then spending the day on the boat. They hate it a lot; it’s no fun for them at all.

Photos by Getty Images

Warm Water

When you come to the beach or the water to relax and have a good time, you don’t want the water a refreshing 72 degrees or more, do you? I mean, who wants comfortable water in their front yard all year long? It’s so boring and not even remotely exciting to have this kind of excitement and comfort available to you any time you choose to go swimming. Wouldn’t you rather have water temps that make you feel as if frostbite is setting in at any moment?

Photos by Getty Images

Late Summer Nights

The sun being out until 9 pm and the ability to enjoy beautiful nights outside on the golf course, the beach, the back porch, the pool; all while watching the sun set over the horizon. It’s just torture. It’s appalling that my husband and I can put our kids to bed and take a bottle of wine outside onto our huge covered front porch and watch the sunset in the beautiful sky while rocking in our chairs and enjoying the cool evening breeze. Disgusting, right?

Photos by Getty Images

Fire Flies

There are so many of them this time of year that yard always looks like a magical fairyland. It’s so pretty and so cheerful and it reminds us of childhoods growing up in the Sunshine State in which we’d stay out too late on summer nights and enjoy too much time with our friends and our families. Our kids chase them around the yard and try to catch them and their annoyingly pretty glow just makes us feel so cheerful and happy.

Photos by Getty Images

Palm Trees

When your yard is lined with palms and every road is lined with palms and the palms are just everywhere gently rolling in the breeze and making you feel all happy and content, it’s not fun. Who wants that? If you hate palm trees, breezes and being near water, you will hate living in Florida, so you should just stay away and never come back. It’s things like this that just make life so miserable; beauty and gentle life around you all the time. Bah-humbug.

Photos by Getty Images

Grilling Out all Year

Most people spend the summer outside with the grill making dinner and enjoying life. We spend the entire year outside with the grill. We cook inside like twice a year (Christmas and Thanksgiving) and the rest of the time we enjoy beautiful outdoor weather grilling and enjoying our food. Who even wants that? Wouldn’t you rather be inside with the heat on and the windows closed and the smell from the kitchen and not from the grill?

Photos by Getty Images

Outdoor Living

It’s all year long here. You will live outside all the time around Florida because it’s just so nice. Most of us have outdoor kitchens, big patios both covered and enclosed and uncovered and open, pools, grills and big televisions mounted to our outdoor walls so we can watch games and enjoy life from outside. Who wants that kind of lifestyle, I mean, really? Outdoor living is all about it here in Florida, and some people just can’t stand the idea of so much nice weather around them all the time.

Photos by Getty Images

Proximity to the Caribbean

It’s an hour long flight from Orlando or Tampa to the Bahamas, two hours to Jamaica and many of the other tropical Caribbean islands around here. Isn’t that just miserable? Why would you want to wake up in the morning and know that you could be in the middle of the tropics by lunchtime enjoying yourself on a tropical island with fruity cocktails and gorgeous views? Why would you want to be a person so close to the Caribbean that you can’t even enjoy life at home because you’re constantly talked into a weekend on an island somewhere? Pure misery.

Photos by Getty Images

Pool Days

Imagine spending your weekends hanging out on someone’s gorgeous back patio with an in-ground pool, outdoor kitchen, surround sound and sun. The kids splash in the pool, someone grills something wonderful, other people bring dessert and sides, the music is playing, everyone is having a laid back, casual and amazing time and everyone is happy. This happens all the time here and it’s just not a good reason to live here.

Photos by Getty Images

Golf Carts and Side-by-Sides

There are so many things wrong with living in Florida. One of the biggest problems is having a three car garage and having to pay for a second detached garage to be built on your acreage so that you can have enough space to fit all your garage-needed items. I mean, you can really only fit your two cars and your kids’ bikes and Escalades and Corvettes (these are definitely power wheels, by the way) in the attached garage. So where do you put the golf carts and the side-by-sides and the boat and the trailer? It’s a hassle to have to have this done, and most people do. Who wants that kind of stress and headache? We live in our golf carts and side-by-sides on a daily basis. It’s how we get around.

Photos by Getty Images