Lisa O
It can be hard to know what to say when someone’s grieving the loss of a loved one. Should we laugh or cry? It all depends on how the person who passed would want to be remembered. Some people like sharing stories, while others prefer to stay quiet. However, we must put aside personal feelings and follow some basic manners at a funeral. Here are ten things you should never say at a funeral.
“You’ll Feel Better Soon.”
Even if you mean well, saying something like this might hurt the grieving person. It can come off as an opinion rather than a comforting fact, making them feel pressured to get over their sadness quickly. Instead of saying they’ll feel better soon, be there for them. Check-in regularly and offer support. Remember, everyone heals at their own pace, and that’s perfectly okay.
“They Passed While Doing What They Loved.”
Unless you were there when it happened, saying they “died doing what they love” can feel a bit off. It might even come across as insensitive. Instead, try reflecting on and remembering them in a more personal way. Share a story or a special moment you had with them. It’s more relatable and shows you truly knew and appreciated what they loved—rather than just making a general statement.
“I Understand How You Feel.”
This phrase may seem comforting, but it’s not helpful. When someone loses a loved one, they need to focus on their own feelings, not yours. Even if you mean well, saying you know how they feel can worsen things. We can’t honestly know how someone else feels, so it’s better to keep this to yourself.
“It Was Part of a Divine Plan.”
First, don’t assume everyone shares your religious views. Some people might not believe in a higher power at all, and even those who do could have different gods they follow. Unless someone has talked about their beliefs, guessing is a shot in the dark. So, it’s best to avoid making assumptions about their beliefs.
“They’re No Longer in Pain.”
Watch out for statements like these. When you make bold claims about the person who’s passed away, it can come off as lacking respect. Even if you meant to comfort the grieving person, it might backfire and upset them—especially if it suggests their loved one’s life had negative sides. Instead, it’s much better to focus on sharing positive memories and the good parts of their life.
“They’re In a Better Place Now.”
“When it comes to comments about what happens after someone passes away, leave that to the experts like ministers. Talking about it yourself can come off like you’re claiming to know some secret, which takes the focus off the person being remembered. Funerals are about celebrating and honoring the individual, not guessing what comes next. No one really knows for sure, so it’s best to keep those thoughts to yourself.”
“They Had a Full Life.”
Echoing what the minister or priest just said can feel redundant, especially at a funeral. Instead of rehashing their words, why not switch it up and share some cool stories or fond memories about the person? Talk about the best times you had with them and what made them special. It’ll mean a lot more than just saying they had a good life.
“Reach Out if You Need Anything.”
The thought is sweet, but the person grieving is swamped with tough choices and heartache right now. They’re probably not going to call you for help—even if they need it. Instead, team up with other friends to bring over some hot meals or give them a call a week or so after the funeral to see if there’s anything you can do to help out.
“It Was Just Meant to Happen.”
No one knows precisely how much time we have, so saying someone’s death was “meant to be” can come off as pretty harsh. Instead, try something like, “They might not have had a long life, but they lived it to the fullest.” It shows you truly appreciate them and the mark they left behind. It’s a way to focus on the positive and celebrate their life rather than trying to justify their passing.
Not Saying Anything at All
Sometimes, it’s better to keep things low-key and say less rather than trying to find the perfect words. If you’re unsure what to say, signing the memorial book is a nice way to show you’re there and paying your respect. Whether you chat in person or just leave a note in the book, make sure to acknowledge the family—even if it’s just a few words.