Lisa O
Not every friend wants to see you succeed. Some prefer you a little smaller, a little unsure, a little easier to comfort. They show up when you’re down, but go quiet when things start going well. Here are 15 signs they secretly enjoy seeing you struggle.
Their Support Only Shows Up When You’re Hurting
When life falls apart, they’re suddenly available — texting, calling, checking in like it’s their duty. They listen, comfort, and play the hero. But when things get better, their presence fades. They liked the version of you that needed saving. When you no longer do, the dynamic shifts. They don’t know how to stand beside you when you’re strong, because their comfort depended on your chaos.
They Disguise Envy as Concern
When something good happens, they tilt their head and say, “Just don’t get your hopes up,” or “Be careful, that kind of stuff changes people.” The words sound wise, even loving, but the tone gives it away. It’s not advice — it’s doubt with a ribbon on it. They can’t celebrate you without subtly preparing you for disappointment. That way, if things fall apart, they get to be right.
They Don’t Celebrate Your Wins With the Same Energy
You tell them good news, and there’s a short, polite pause before they smile. The congratulations feel thin, the joy half-hearted. They change the subject too fast, ask no questions, and act like your success is something to politely move past. They’re there in the hard parts, but your happiness makes them restless — because deep down, they liked it better when you were still reaching for the things they had.
They Love You Most When You’re Vulnerable
When you cry, they soften. When you break, they show up. But when you heal, they distance themselves. They liked the version of you that looked up to them, not the one that stands on equal ground. They miss your weakness, not because they’re cruel, but because it made them feel needed. Strength doesn’t inspire them — it threatens the quiet hierarchy they built between you.
They Use Jokes To Undercut You
Their humor always has a sting. They’ll tease your job, your style, your choices — and everyone laughs, including you, because it’s easier than making it awkward. But later, you think about it. The words echo longer than the laughter. Those jokes aren’t harmless; they’re small reminders that they still know where to hit. It’s criticism disguised as connection, and you start to realize you’re always the punchline.
They Subtly Compete When You Share Something Good
You tell them about a promotion, and they mention a new project they’re working on. You talk about a trip, and they bring up somewhere better. It’s not obvious — just enough to steal the moment. They can’t let you have the spotlight for too long because your success makes them question their own. They’ll never say it, but deep down, they don’t want to celebrate you — they want to catch up.
They’re Strangely Comfortable Around Your Pain
When you’re sad, they’re calm. Almost peaceful. They listen, they empathize, and it feels real — but there’s a strange ease in their tone, like they’re most at home when you’re not okay. They’re drawn to your pain because it puts them in the role they understand best: the stable one, the wiser one, the rescuer. It’s not friendship built on love; it’s built on imbalance.
They Offer Help That Keeps You Dependent
They’ll volunteer to help, but in ways that never actually free you. They step in just enough to make you grateful but not enough to help you grow. Their advice keeps you small, their favors keep you indebted. They don’t want you independent — they want you reachable, leaning on them for direction. Because the more capable you become, the less powerful they feel.
They Always Have a Subtle Critique Ready
You share something you’re proud of, and they immediately find the flaw. “That’s great, but maybe next time…” or “You’re lucky it worked out.” It’s not feedback — it’s erosion. They keep you second-guessing your own work so you never get too confident. Every compliment comes with a condition, every encouragement with an edge. It’s death by a thousand small opinions.
They Don’t Defend You When It Matters
When someone speaks poorly of you, they stay quiet or laugh it off. Later, they’ll tell you about it like it’s gossip, not betrayal. In private, they’ll reassure you they “didn’t want to make it awkward,” but deep down, they liked hearing it. It confirmed something they already felt — that maybe you weren’t as special as you seemed. Their silence protects their comfort, not your dignity.
They Bring Up Your Past Mistakes at the Worst Times
Every time you move forward, they pull you back with a reminder. “Remember when you used to…” or “You’ve changed so much,” said like an accusation. It’s never just a memory — it’s a quiet way to keep you from outgrowing who you were when they felt equal to you. They disguise nostalgia as humor, but it’s really about keeping you small enough to manage.
They Frame Your Success as Luck
When you finally get what you worked for, they shrug and call it timing. “You’re lucky you know the right people.” “Everything just falls into place for you.” It’s their way of rewriting the story so they don’t have to face their own inaction. They can’t admit you earned it, because that would mean they could have too — and that’s a truth they’re not ready to hold.
They Act Distant When You’re Thriving
When things start aligning for you, their messages slow down. They stop asking to hang out, stop reacting to your posts, and stop showing up at all. You can feel the withdrawal like a shadow. They don’t know how to handle the new version of you — the one that doesn’t look like a struggle. They loved you when you were relatable. Now, they just feel exposed.
They Make Your Struggles About Them
You open up about something painful, and somehow, it turns into their story. They compare, redirect, and make you the audience. You end up comforting them while you’re still hurting. It’s not a lack of empathy — it’s the need to stay central. They can’t stand watching you feel deeply without inserting themselves, because your pain only feels manageable if it also belongs to them.
You Feel Drained After Every Conversation
There’s no big argument or betrayal — just exhaustion. You hang up or leave and feel smaller, like something inside dimmed a little. That’s the sign. Real friendship fills you. This kind leaves you empty and unsure why. They never say they enjoy your struggle, but they don’t hide the quiet satisfaction it gives them either. In their presence, you start to shrink — and that’s how you know it’s time to step away.