Lisa O
Do you have difficulty forming close and lasting relationships with others? Do you tend to retreat when things get too serious? You may have signs of an avoidant attachment style. Attachment styles are developed in childhood and can influence our relationships with others for the rest of our lives. If you think you may have an avoidant attachment style, here are 15 signs to look out for!
You have a fear of commitment
If you have a fear of commitment, you may have an avoidant attachment style. Avoidants usually don’t like making future commitments with a partner and prefer keeping relationships loosely defined and without labels. They may fear losing their freedom or independence in a relationship, so they avoid getting close to others.
You are emotionally distant
Avoidants usually struggle with emotional intimacy. They keep their emotions to themselves and rarely share their inner thoughts and feelings with others. You may have avoidant attachment if you struggle with expressing emotions or allowing others to get close to you, including close friends or partners.
You think you don’t need anyone
Individuals with avoidant attachment styles pride themselves on their independence. They think, “I can do it alone, and I don’t need anyone’s help.” While being independent is great, avoidants take it too far by choosing distance over intimacy and connection with others. You may have an avoidant attachment style if you think you love to live alone or do everything by yourself.
You’re critical of others
Avoidants often see flaws in those they may date. And they’ll use those flaws as an easy out when the relationship starts to get serious. If you tend to have sky-high standards for your potential partners or nitpick your dates for the littlest things, consider that you might be doing it to push people away so you don’t have to get close.
You are hot and cold
The avoidant tends to swing from hot to cold and back again. They may want to get closer, but soon after, they want to pull away. This kind of push-pull behavior happens because the avoidant desires connection but doesn’t like to feel enveloped. If you often go hot and cold with your partners, leaving them bewildered and wondering what they did wrong, avoidant attachment could be the cause.
You ghost people
Some people are experts at ghosting. If things start to get too deep or emotional in a relationship, they tend to stop responding to a partner’s messages or calls suddenly. This leaves the other person puzzled and wondering what happened. By ghosting someone, the avoidant regains that much longed-for control and distance without having to explain themselves or engage in an awkward conversation that they don’t want to have.
You’re uncomfortable with physical affection
Public displays of affection or love sentiments make avoidants cringe. Such people always maintain a distance from their partners whenever they’re in public. They can be seen as unemotional and less affectionate, even in the bedroom. If physical contact or romantic words of love make you awkward and uncomfortable, you might have an avoidant attachment style.
You avoid conversations
Avoidants usually don’t do so well when it comes to the communication level that’s expected in intimate relationships. They tend to ghost for days, not respond to texts, or keep conversations light and superficial. If you tend to avoid heart-to-heart talks or serious conversations when in a relationship, there’s a chance you might be an avoidant.
You’re extremely independent
There’s nothing wrong with having your own interests and friendships outside of your relationship. However, avoidants take this to the extreme. They may reject joint activities or the blending of their lives with their partners. If you hold on to your single life routines tightly and don’t like the idea of compromise, avoidant attachment may be the source.
You don’t trust others
Avoidants usually struggle to trust others. They may constantly question their partner’s intentions and worry about being hurt, betrayed, or abandoned by their partners. Even in the most secure of relationships, avoidants remain guarded and don’t allow themselves to be vulnerable. If you find it difficult to trust others, avoidant attachment style may be the root.
You bail
Avoidants tend to bail or escape when faced with conflict or relationship problems. They would rather leave the argument than discuss and resolve it. This can result in avoidants having many short-term relationships since they hit the escape button early in the game. If this sounds familiar, you may have an avoidant attachment.
You live in a fantasy
Avoidants tend to romanticize a former relationship or a crush instead of being present and vulnerable with their current partner. By keeping the fantasy alive, they never have to risk intimacy. If you often think about “the one that got away,” you might be an avoidant.
You create unhealthy boundaries
While healthy boundaries are desirable and necessary, avoidants often take them a bit too far by using them as a protective shield to keep people at bay. They may get overly rigid and inflexible, refusing to accommodate their partner’s needs and insisting that things are done only “my way.” If you have trouble compromising in love, it may be a sign of avoidant attachment.
You are passive-aggressive
Resentment is an emotion that avoidants often like to bottle up and keep contained. Instead of sharing their needs directly in a relationship, they may use passive-aggressive methods to express dissatisfaction and discontent. This can create the sense that there is a burning anger inside, which can sometimes lead to frustration. If you relate to this feeling, you likely have an avoidant attachment personality.
You devote more time to work than relationships
If you have an avoidant attachment style, you might find yourself putting more effort into your job than your romantic relationship. This could be because you prefer the rewards that come from work, which feel more controllable. Your past experiences—like feeling suffocated or emotionally distant in relationships, may have taught you that relationships don’t bring much happiness. So, you tend to focus your time and energy where you think you’ll get the most satisfaction.