Devin Jacobs
Losing a spouse is an emotional hurricane, and while there’s no “right” way to grieve, certain actions can make the storm worse. Whether grieving or supporting a loved one, avoiding certain well-meaning gestures can make the aftermath more manageable and prevent extending the pain.
Jumping Into a New Relationship Too Quickly
Grief can leave us yearning for connection, but jumping into a new relationship only delays the healing process. You’re not replacing a partner—healing takes time. There’s no need to rush or fill the void; allow yourself the space to heal at your own pace.
Avoiding the Anniversary
Ignoring the anniversary of your spouse’s passing may seem like an easy way to escape the pain, but it can make things worse. Honor it, reflect, and find peace with the memory. You might be surprised by how much healing comes from remembrance.
Keeping Everything the Same
The impulse to preserve everything precisely as it was is understandable. Yet, clinging to their things can make the mourning process drag on. Gradually letting go and finding new meaning in your space fosters healing and new beginnings—without erasing the past.
Neglecting Self-Care
Self-care can easily fall by the wayside after the whirlwind of funeral planning and estate matters. The truth is, taking time for yourself, whether through exercise, rest, or seeking professional help, can provide the strength you need to navigate this difficult time.
Shutting Out Your Support System
Grief can make you want to isolate, but shutting people out is a slippery slope. Friends and family want to help, so lean on them when needed. The best support is letting others in, allowing you to share the burden rather than face it alone.
Ignoring Financial Reality
Money doesn’t make grief go away, but it does help manage the aftermath. Take stock of your financial situation sooner rather than later. Ignoring the logistics can cause stress later and complicate the emotional recovery when you least need it.
Suppressing Emotions
Don’t bottle up your grief for fear of appearing weak. Let your feelings out, whether through tears, art, or talking with others. It would help if you processed your emotions, not suppress them. You’ll come out the other side more resilient.
Taking Too Much Advice
Everyone has an opinion when you’re grieving, from “how to cope” to “what to do next.” Trust your instincts rather than the well-meaning crowd. Your grief is personal, and there’s no “one-size-fits-all” approach. Ultimately, you’ll know what feels right for you.
Rushing Into Major Life Decisions
Trying to reorganize your life after loss can feel necessary, but rushing into huge decisions—like selling a house or moving—can leave you with regret. Grief clouds judgment. Give yourself time before making choices that impact your future.
Overloading Your Schedule
In an attempt to distract yourself, it’s tempting to fill every hour with activities. While staying busy might seem like a solution, it can keep you from grieving. Permit yourself to slow down. The world can wait; your healing can’t.
Comparing Your Grief to Others
There’s no “correct” way to grieve, yet we often make the mistake of comparing ourselves to others. Everyone’s process is unique; what works for one person might not work for you. Focus on your journey without judgment or comparison.
Rushing to Fill the Silence
The quiet after a spouse’s passing can be deafening. But filling it with distractions, be it constant chatter or technology, only prevents you from facing the silence. Sit with it. It’s uncomfortable but allows for introspection and more profound healing.
Letting Guilt Control You
Survivor’s guilt is an everyday companion after a spouse dies, but it’s a dangerous one. It’s important to remember that their passing is beyond your control. While grief can bring up feelings of guilt, it’s essential to process them rather than let them take over your emotions.
Overindulging in Substance Use
Substance use or even too much comfort food might seem like quick fixes, but they only delay emotional processing. They cloud your ability to cope healthily. Stay present, feel the pain, and face the reality—it’s the only path to long-term healing.
Ignoring Your Children’s Grief
If you have children, remember that they’re grieving too. Focusing entirely on your pain can be tempting, but helping them through their emotions fosters a bond and helps everyone heal. Their needs matter just as much as yours.
Turning Anger Inward
Anger after loss is common, but directing it inward can be harmful. Rather than blaming yourself for things you couldn’t control, find healthy outlets for your frustration. Anger can be a powerful force for healing when you let it flow without self-punishment.
Letting Memories Fade Too Soon
It’s tempting to pack away memories in an attempt to move on. But letting go of the small moments can feel like erasing a person. Keep something tangible that reminds you of their presence, so their memory stays close even as time moves forward.
Focusing Only on The Loss
Losing someone is heartbreaking, but it doesn’t define who you are. Focusing only on the loss can trap you in a cycle of sorrow. Grief is a part of life, but it isn’t the entirety of it. Embrace the moments of joy that still exist, no matter how fleeting.
Trying to “Be Strong” for Others
Grief is heavy, and pretending to be the “strong one” for others only exhausts you. It’s okay to be vulnerable. People close to you want to be there for you, so let them. Strength isn’t in hiding your pain; it’s in sharing it.
Expecting Quick Closure
There’s no “deadline” for grief. Healing is unpredictable, and thinking it will be over quickly is a misconception. Take your time. It’s a journey, not a race, and it will take however long. Embrace the process, even when it feels endless.