Lisa O
When you want something in a relationship, being upfront is usually the way to go. But if your partner can’t be direct, they may start using sneaky tactics or subtle manipulation to get what they want. When someone you love uses emotional manipulation against you, they’re basically breaking your connection. Here are 20 common ways people might manipulate you without you even realizing it.
Making you doubt your reality.
Gaslighting is a sneaky tactic often summed up in phrases like “That didn’t happen,” “You imagined it,” or “Are you crazy?” It’s one of the most harmful forms of manipulation because it messes with your sense of reality. Gaslighting breaks down your trust in yourself, making you doubt what you know to be true. It can stop you from feeling like you even have the right to call out abuse or mistreatment.
Guilt-tripping you.
A manipulative person uses guilt to control others. Guilt-tripping is kind of like an emotional puppet show, where the person pulling the strings tries to make you feel bad so you’ll do what they want. It’s like a kid saying, “If you really loved me, you’d buy me that toy.” A guilt-tripper plays on your emotions to get you to give in to their demands.
Hiding anger behind passive comments.
Passive-aggressive behavior shows up as those little jabs or actions that show anger without actually confronting it. Manipulators might say things like, “I was just kidding,” or claim they “didn’t mean anything by it” when they make hurtful comments. This can stir up tension and leave you second-guessing yourself. Passive aggression lets them express anger while acting all innocent, making you feel guilty for reacting to their “harmless” remarks.
Overloading you with love to control you.
Love-bombing is when someone floods you with over-the-top attention and affection early on in a relationship. They’ll constantly compliment you, make big romantic gestures, and make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world. But once they’re sure that you’re hooked, they change their behavior and show more controlling or possessive tendencies.
Twisting conversations to mess with your head.
If you think you’re going to have a meaningful conversation with someone manipulative, get ready for a whole lot of mind games instead of a real discussion. Malignant narcissists and sociopaths use tactics like word salad, circular arguments, personal attacks, projection, and gaslighting to mess with your head and throw you off course if you ever disagree with them or challenge them in any way.
Making generalizations to shut you down.
Malignant narcissists aren’t always the sharpest – a lot of them are just lazy when it comes to thinking. Instead of actually considering a different point of view, they generalize everything you say, making broad statements that completely ignore the details in your argument or the different perspectives you’ve mentioned. Even better, why not just slap a label on you to completely dismiss your point of view?
Twisting your words to make you seem crazy.
When a manipulative person gets a hold of your opinions, emotions, and experiences, they twist them into flaws and use them as proof that you’re being irrational. Narcissists love making up stories to turn what you’re actually saying into something that makes you seem crazy or even mean. For example, if you tell them you’re upset about how a toxic friend is treating you, they might flip it around and say stuff like, “Oh, so now you’re perfect?”
Constantly criticizing and changing the rules.
The difference between constructive and destructive criticism is that the latter comes with personal jabs and impossible expectations. These so-called “critics” aren’t trying to help you get better—they just want to nitpick, tear you down, and blame you however they can. Abusive manipulators and sociopaths pull a trick called “moving the goalposts,” where they keep changing the standards so they always have a reason to be unhappy with you.
Giving you the silent treatment.
The silent treatment is a way of emotionally pulling away to make you feel anxious or left out. Instead of dealing with things head-on, manipulators use silence to control the situation and make you feel like you did something very wrong. This tactic can make you feel desperate to make things right, even if it wasn’t your fault.
Dodging responsibility by changing the subject.
This tactic is what I like to call the “What about me?” syndrome. It’s a total digression from the real issue, shifting the focus to something else entirely. Manipulators don’t want to be held accountable for anything, so they’ll steer the conversation in a direction that benefits them. If you’re complaining about their neglectful parenting, they’ll bring up something you did wrong seven years ago.
Threatening you to get their way.
Manipulative people get super defensive when you challenge their huge sense of entitlement, fake superiority, or overblown ego. They make crazy demands and then punish you for not meeting their impossible standards. Instead of dealing with disagreements like grown-ups, they’ll try to mess with your right to have your own identity and opinion by scaring you about what will happen if you disagree or give in to their demands.
Using morals to control you.
How is moralizing manipulation? Simple: Who gets to decide what’s the “right” set of morals and ethics to follow? If the manipulator calls the shots, they might have another agenda. By making us feel guilty, the moralizing manipulator tries to get us to act as they think we should. When they’re good at it, the target feels “judged” badly and “not good enough.”
Making you feel bad about yourself.
Manipulative people train you to link your talents, strengths, and happy memories with abuse, disrespect, and frustration. They do this by slipping in subtle and not-so-subtle put-downs about the qualities they once praised while also sabotaging your goals and ruining celebrations, vacations, and holidays. They might even isolate you from friends and family and make you financially dependent on them.
Only telling part of the story.
Withholding info isn’t just about lying—it’s about sharing only what they want you to know. Manipulators might give you just part of the story to keep you clueless or make themselves look better. This keeps you guessing so they can push you in the direction they want without you seeing the whole picture.
Stretching the truth to confuse you.
Manipulators may stretch the truth or leave out details to try and change your opinion. They could blow their problems out of proportion or twist events to make you see things their way. They know that by controlling how you see things, they can influence your choices. This tactic messes with your gut feelings as they create a version of reality that works for them.
Creating drama by bringing in others.
Triangulation is when the manipulative person brings in a third person to stir up drama or put pressure on you. For example, they may say, “Everyone’s on my side with this,” or drag someone else into a fight to back them up. This tactic makes you feel like it’s not just them you’re up against but a whole group.
Throwing “compliments” that are insults.
Backhanded compliments are clever insults that look like praise but actually have an underlying sting. Phrases like, “You’re so confident for someone your size” or “It’s impressive that you got that job without a degree” are some common examples. They make you feel put down and make you second-guess yourself while giving the impression of being nice.
Blaming you for what they’re doing.
We get that this might be a new term for you. Projection is when manipulators blame you for things they’re doing. If they’re being jealous, they might call you controlling. By throwing their flaws onto you, they distract you from their actions and leave you confused and guilty. This tactic keeps you busy defending yourself instead of questioning what they’re doing.
Acting helpless to make you take over.
When manipulators act like they can’t do certain tasks themselves, they push you to take over for them. This could be as simple as saying, “I’m just not good at handling things like that,” to make you feel you need to step in. This tactic shifts responsibility onto you, and you become a problem-solver without even realizing it.
Showering you with compliments to get something.
We all love getting compliments. At first, excessive flattery feels great, but it can be used to manipulate. Manipulators get you to trust them and then ask for favors by making you feel special. When compliments come with requests, it’s a trick to win you over. The praise feels real, so you’re less likely to question what they really want.