Lisa O
Most couples talk about everything except what matters. You plan vacations and argue about whose turn it is to do dishes. But the big stuff sits there like furniture you’ve stopped noticing. These questions don’t come up because bringing them up feels like you’re expecting something to go wrong. Nobody wants to be that person.
What happens if one of us gets really sick?
Nobody plans for this part. You assume you’d step up and take care of each other, but that’s different from actually doing it for months or years. Being a caregiver changes you. Your life becomes doctor appointments and insurance calls. Some people are built for it. Others aren’t, and they feel guilty. The question isn’t whether you love each other enough. It’s whether you’ve considered what that actually means day to day.
Do we still want the same things about having kids?
This one changes more than people admit. Someone who wanted three kids at 25 might feel completely different at 35. Or you thought you were fine without them until your sister had a baby. The problem is nobody wants to say it out loud because it feels like betrayal. You end up hoping the other person will somehow just know. They won’t.
How would we actually split things if we broke up?
Talking about this feels like planning for failure. But people who don’t have this conversation end up in lawyers’ offices trying to remember who paid for what. It’s not romantic, but neither is fighting over a couch you both hate. You don’t have to write anything down. You just have to know you’ve thought about it like adults instead of pretending it could never happen to you.
What do we do if your parents need to move in?
This comes up fast when someone’s parent falls or can’t live alone anymore. Suddenly, you’re deciding whether your living room becomes someone’s bedroom. One person thinks it’s obvious, and the other thinks it’s impossible. Both of you are right in different ways. The space between those two things is where relationships end if you haven’t talked about it beforehand.
Are we still on the same page about intimacy?
Bodies change, and so does what people want. But most couples just slowly stop talking about it until they’re being intimate twice a year and calling it fine. One person feels rejected, and the other feels pressured. Nobody says anything because it’s awkward. Then five years go by, and you’re basically roommates who share a mortgage. It happens quieter than you’d think.
Who’s supposed to give up what for whose career?
Someone gets a better job across the country. A baby arrives, and daycare costs more than one salary. You both assume it’ll work itself out. It doesn’t. One person ends up sacrificing their career, while the other doesn’t even realise how much was given up. Resentment builds slowly. By the time you notice it, the damage is done. This conversation needs to happen before either of you makes a decision you can’t take back.
What do we do about your debt or my spending?
Money ends more relationships than most people admit. You find out your partner has $50,000 in debt that they never mentioned. Or you’re trying to save, and they keep buying things you don’t need. One person grew up with money, and the other didn’t. That shapes everything. You can love someone and still not be able to afford the life they want. The fights aren’t really about money. They’re about control and fear.
What values do we actually care about passing down?
You think you know until you have kids, and suddenly it matters whether they go to church, eat meat, or learn to say please and thank you. One person’s family did things one way, and yours did it another. It sounds small, but it’s the daily stuff that drives people apart. You can’t compromise on everything. Some things you just believe.
How would we handle it if one of us cheated?
Most people say they’d leave, but half of them don’t. Others say they’d work through it and then can’t look at the person the same. You don’t know until it happens. But talking about it before means you’ve at least thought about where your lines are. Not talking about it means you’re deciding in the worst possible moment when you’re angry and hurt and can’t think straight.
Do we see the future the same way?
Retirement sounds far away until you’re 50, and one person wants to move to Florida and the other wants to stay near the kids. Or someone wants to travel, and the other wants to buy a bigger house. People think love is enough, but love doesn’t solve the problem of wanting completely different lives. You can’t build toward something if you’re building toward different things.
What happens if we stop being attracted to each other?
Weight changes, hairlines shift, and skin ages. Everyone knows this, but nobody talks about what it means when you’re living it. One person stops trying, and the other notices. Or both people change, and suddenly you’re looking at someone who doesn’t look like the person you married. It’s shallow and it’s also real. Ignoring it doesn’t make it go away.
How much space is too much space?
Some people need time alone, and some people think that means something’s wrong. You go to bed at different times or spend weekends doing separate things. One person thinks it’s healthy, and the other thinks it means you don’t like them anymore. These little gaps turn into big distances if you don’t talk about what normal looks like for both of you.
What do we do if this stops making us happy?
Staying together because you’re supposed to is different from staying together because you want to. People get comfortable and call it love. Or they’re scared of being alone. Or they think about the kids, the house, or what people would say. Sometimes relationships just run their course. Pretending they don’t is how people end up bitter and stuck.
How involved should our families be?
Your mom calls every day, and your partner thinks it’s too much. Or their family expects you to be there for every holiday, and you need a break. Families don’t go away, and they don’t get less complicated. Drawing boundaries feels mean, but not drawing them means someone’s always annoyed. You can’t make everyone happy, but you can decide whose feelings matter most.
Are we staying out of love or just staying?
This is the hardest one because the answer changes from day to day. Some days you’re sure, and some days you’re just tired. People stay for many reasons that aren’t love—comfort, routine, and not wanting to start over. There’s nothing wrong with that unless you’re lying to yourself about it. You owe it to both of you to know the difference.