Lisa O
Relationships can be messy. And sometimes, the hardest thing to admit is that the issue might be you. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It just means there are patterns, habits, or blind spots worth looking at. Here are 15 signs that you might be the one causing tension, distance, or confusion—without even realizing it.
You dismiss their feelings.
When your partner says something bothered them, do you brush it off or call it “too sensitive”? If so, you’re not listening. You don’t have to agree with every emotion, but you do need to respect it. Shrugging things off doesn’t solve them. It just makes the other person feel small. If someone opens up and gets shut down, they stop opening up. And that can slowly break even a strong connection.
You keep score.
You tally everything, whether it’s about chores, compliments, or sacrifices. You give with the expectation of getting something back. That turns love into a transaction. A healthy relationship isn’t about keeping things even. It’s about showing up because you want to. If everything becomes a balance sheet, both people feel like they’re losing.
You always have to be right.
It might not feel like a big deal to correct them over small things or win every argument. But over time, that adds up. If your partner feels like they can never be right around you, they’ll stop sharing their thoughts altogether. Sometimes, peace is better than proving a point. If being right costs the relationship, is it really worth it?
You struggle to say sorry.
Apologies are tough, especially when your pride gets in the way. But not saying sorry doesn’t make you strong—it makes you hard to connect with. If you mess up and never own it, you leave the other person carrying all the weight. A real apology isn’t about blame. It’s about taking responsibility so both people can move forward.
You expect them to read your mind.
You get upset when they don’t comfort you the “right” way or forget something important—but you never said what you needed. That’s not fair. People aren’t mind readers. If you need space, say so. If you want a hug, ask for it. Expecting unspoken needs to be met sets everyone up for disappointment.
You shut down during conflict.
Instead of talking things through, you go quiet. Maybe it feels safer than saying something wrong. But silence doesn’t fix things. It creates distance. When you shut down, the other person feels alone in the relationship. You don’t have to have the perfect words. You just have to show up. Even a simple “I don’t know how to talk about this yet” helps more than disappearing.
You don’t respect their boundaries.
You read their texts, push past their limits, or joke about things they’ve asked you not to. That’s not love—that’s control. Boundaries aren’t about shutting you out. They’re about feeling safe. And if you keep crossing lines after someone’s clearly drawn them, you’re showing them that their comfort doesn’t matter to you.
You take more than you give.
Think about your last few conversations. Did you listen as much as you talked? Did you ask how they were feeling or just vent about your day? Relationships should feel mutual. If it always tilts toward your needs, your partner may start feeling invisible. Even small acts of giving—a question, a gesture, a thank-you—can help bring things back into balance.
You avoid hard conversations.
You brush issues under the rug because you don’t want to rock the boat. But avoiding problems doesn’t make them disappear. It just lets resentment grow in the background. Being afraid of discomfort is normal. Staying silent because of it isn’t helpful. Honest talk might feel awkward at the moment, but it’s what prevents explosions later.
You invalidate their interests.
Maybe you roll your eyes when they talk about their favorite show. Or tease them for their hobbies. It might seem harmless, but it chips away at connection. If someone can’t share what they love without being dismissed, they stop sharing. Supporting your partner doesn’t mean you have to love what they love—just that you care because they do.
You hold on to old resentment.
They messed up months ago and maybe even apologized. But you keep bringing it up in every fight. Holding onto old pain gives it power over the present. It’s hard to move forward when you’re still stuck in the past. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It means choosing not to keep throwing the same wound back on the table.
You take jokes too far.
Teasing can be fun, but it can also hurt. If your partner laughs less than they used to, or gets quiet after your “jokes,” pay attention. Humor should bring people closer, not push them away. When someone says, “That hurt,” believe them. It’s not about losing your sense of fun. It’s about knowing where the line is and choosing not to cross it.
You don’t make them feel appreciated.
They cook dinner, do the little things, and show up for you—but you rarely say thanks. Over time, feeling taken for granted turns love into labor. A small compliment or a genuine “I noticed” goes a long way. People stay when they feel valued. They drift when they feel invisible.
You only focus on what’s missing.
You fixate on flaws, forget the good stuff, and point out what’s lacking more than what’s working. That kind of lens turns every moment into a problem. Gratitude doesn’t mean ignoring issues. It means balancing your view. If you can only see what they’re not doing, you’ll miss all the ways they are trying.
You expect love to fix everything.
You think being in a relationship should make you feel better. But love isn’t a cure for loneliness, insecurity, or past wounds. If you’re looking for someone else to fill the gaps, you’ll always end up disappointed. A healthy relationship supports growth—it doesn’t replace the work you still need to do on your own.