Lisa O
Today, about 1.3 million Americans are actively serving in the military. These men and women work hard every day to protect our freedoms, often facing dangerous situations. While many return home to a hero’s welcome—they also have to deal with many intrusive and offensive questions from civilians. Here are 20 things you should never say to someone in the military.
“How many people have you taken out?”
Asking this question is insensitive and can bring up painful memories. Combat situations are often traumatic, and talking about them can be very tough. Many military members would rather not relive those experiences. It’s a deeply personal topic that should be respected. Instead, try focusing on positive or more general topics to keep the conversation comfortable and supportive.
“How could you leave your family for so long?”
Military members often don’t have a choice about being away from their families. Asking this question can make them feel guilty about something they had to do for their job. They already deal with the hard part of being away—adding guilt doesn’t help their situation. Instead, show appreciation for their service and the sacrifices they and their families make.
“What’s your take on the latest news?”
Service members might know a lot about military and political issues, but they might not always be up for talking about them. Constantly asking for their take on current events can feel overwhelming, especially if the topics are controversial or upsetting. We should give them a break from these discussions and respect their need to unwind.
“I knew someone who didn’t make it back.”
Just like you wouldn’t bring up a distant connection who passed away from cancer to someone who’s battling it, you shouldn’t mention that you know someone who died in a similar job to theirs. It’s a touchy subject—even if it’s true. Talking about it can make things very awkward and uncomfortable, so it’s better to steer clear of that and just focus on being supportive.
“What’s it really like over there?”
Describing a combat zone or deployment area is really hard and can bring up tough memories. It’s better to let service members share their experiences when they’re ready and feel comfortable rather than pushing them for details. If they choose to talk, just be there to listen. Showing support by being patient and understanding can make a big difference.
“Did you lose anyone close to you?”
This is a deeply personal question and can be pretty upsetting. Losing friends and comrades is brutal—and bringing it up casually can be hurtful. Imagine how you would feel if someone asked you about the death of a close friend or family member out of the blue. Not good, right? It’s best to avoid such questions and give them space if they want to talk.
“Do you have PTSD?”
A lot of veterans deal with PTSD, with up to 30% of Vietnam War vets being diagnosed at some point, according to the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs. But it’s never okay to ask a current or former military member about their PTSD. Bringing up their mental health can be intrusive and upsetting. Plus, PTSD can come from more than just combat—it can also result from sexual assault or physical abuse, for example.
“When’s your service ending?”
For many military members, their service is more than just a job—it’s a big part of who they are. Asking when they’ll be “done” can seem dismissive of their commitment and career. It’s similar to asking someone in any other profession when they plan to quit their job. Instead, show some appreciation for their dedication.
“Can you believe those [insert offensive term here]?”
Racism and xenophobia are never okay, and trying to get a military member to agree with your hateful views is a bad move. Many service members are involved in humanitarian work where they’re stationed, so your negative comments about other people and different cultures are likely to be met with anger or frustration.
“What kind of combat did you see?”
Combat experiences are intense and personal. Asking for details can be very upsetting and might bring up painful memories. If a service member wants to share their story, let them do it on their own terms. It’s important to respect their boundaries and privacy. Pushing for information can make them uncomfortable, so it’s better to wait until they feel ready to talk about it.
“Glad you made it back safe!”
While this comment is meant to be kind, it can overlook the invisible wounds of war, like PTSD or other mental health struggles. Just because someone looks okay on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t dealing with tough emotional or psychological issues. A better way to show support might be, “I’m here if you ever want to talk about it.”
“Must be tough being away for so long.”
Long deployments are really tough, but assuming you know how someone feels about them can be pretty dismissive. Everyone handles being away differently, so instead of making guesses, it’s better to just listen if they want to talk about their feelings. Some might cope better than others, and that’s okay. Respecting their personal experiences and being there to listen shows you genuinely get it and support them.
“I totally get what you’re going through.”
Even if you think you get what a military member has been through, unless you’ve been in the service yourself—you probably don’t fully understand their experience. Telling them you know how they feel can come off as dismissive and make it harder for them to open up. It’s better to listen and show empathy without making it about your own experiences.
“You seem so normal considering everything.”
This comment makes it seem like being in the military makes someone weird, which isn’t true. Military service is just one part of who they are and doesn’t define them completely. Everyone’s experiences are separate—and “normal” means different things to different people. Instead, show appreciation for their service without making them feel like they don’t fit in.
“I don’t agree with what you were doing over there.”
Military members follow orders and do their jobs. They’re not the ones making the rules. Criticizing them for what they do during service can be super unfair and discouraging. It’s better to talk about the policies with the people who make them—not those who carry them out. Just show respect for their role and the service they provide.
“Do you feel any guilt about your service?”
Many military members take real pride in what they do, even if they’ve been through tough and challenging situations. Trying to impose guilt on them is unfair and doesn’t consider the complexities of their experiences. They deal with a lot of things, so showing understanding and respect is much more helpful.
“You must miss so much while you’re gone.”
While it’s true that service members miss important events, pointing this out can just make them feel worse about being away. They already know what they’re missing, so reminding them doesn’t help and can just add to their emotional load. Let them know you appreciate their commitment and sacrifices rather than focusing on what they’re missing out on.
“It’s crazy how little they pay you.”
In 2018, NPR reported that about 23,000 military families in the U.S. get food assistance. While these numbers are eye-opening, implying that every service member is struggling or even bringing up their pay can come off as rude and insensitive. It’s super important to remember that such comments can overlook their diverse experiences and make them feel uncomfortable.
“Let me buy you a drink.”
Offering a drink might seem like a nice gesture, but it can be awkward for someone who’s trying to avoid alcohol. Many service members deal with issues like binge drinking, and even a well-intentioned offer can put them in a tough spot. Instead of offering alcohol, consider other ways to show appreciation—like a heartfelt thank you.
“You knew what you were signing up for.”
Sure, military members did sign up for their service, but telling them they should accept everything that comes their way because they enlisted is rude and dismissive. Military life can change a lot and in ways they didn’t expect. Even if they had some idea about deployments or combat, it’s not helpful to give your opinions on what they should or shouldn’t have seen coming.