Why did the chicken cross the road? We don’t know, and frankly, we don’t care. It’s not the kind of joke or punch line that’s going to win any popularity contests with anyone. We prefer good jokes. The kind of jokes that make you laugh out loud (not just say you LOL’d). We prefer jokes that are going to make you the hit of any party. Jokes are an amazing icebreaker, a great conversation starter, and a great way to fill that awkward silence in any group gathering. Here are a few funny jokes to get you started, and make you the hit of the party.
A man is driving down the road with a bunch of penguins in the back seat of his car. The police stop him and tell the man that he cannot drive down the road with that many penguins in his car, it’s illegal. They inform him that he needs to take the penguins to the zoo right away. He is pulled over again the following day by the same police officer when the officer notices all the penguins still in the man’s car. He says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!” to which the man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
A Kiss in the Park
When a man and a wife who have been married for many years head into the park near their home on a walk, they decide to sit down for a break. They notice a couple sitting a few benches over kissing very passionately. The wife watches for a moment before she turns to her husband and says, “Honey? Why don’t you do that?” The husband replies, “Honey, I don’t even know that woman!”
Blondes are Funny
Two blondes lock their keys in their car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the other blonde just stands around and watches her friend. Finally the first blonde gets frustrated and says, “I can’t get into the stupid car to get the keys out!” The second blonde looks at her in disgust. “You have to keep trying! You can’t stop now! Look at this weather! We have to get the keys now! It’s going to rain any second and the top is down in the car!”
The Overweight Blonde
A doctor tells his blonde patient that she needs to lose a little bit of weight for her health. He tells her that his recommendation is that she eats regularly for two days, skips a day and then repeats the procedure for two weeks. He then tells her that she will lose at least five pounds by the time she comes to his office again. The next time he sees her, she’s nearly 20 pounds lighter. “That’s amazing! Did you follow my instructions?” the doctor asks. “Yes, she said. But I really thought I was going to die,” she says. “From hunger?” the doctor asks. “No, from skipping,” the blonde replies.
A woman decides she’s going to mail her Christmas cards, but she doesn’t have enough stamps. She goes to the local post office and heads inside to wait in line for her turn. When it’s her turn to head to the counter, she informs the postal service man she’d like some stamps so she can mail her cards. “What denomination?” the postal service man asks the woman. “Oh good heavens! What has the world come to these days?” she says in outrage. When the postal service man looks at her funny she says, “I’ll take 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist stamps.”
Religion and Hair
There’s a rumor out that the new Billy Graham Ministries is starting up a new service for middle-aged men. It’s going to be an Emotional Support Group for men who have some issues with hair loss. It doesn’t matter if the hair loss is severe, mild or just beginning. All men are welcome to join this emotional support group. They will meet every week to help support one another during this difficult time, and they will close each meeting with the benediction, “Go, and thin no more!”
A Woman in Labor
When a woman goes into labor with her first child, she is immediately terrified, in a lot of pain and not entirely sure what to do. She asks her husband for help. He makes the decision to call the hospital and ask them what his wife should do to make the pain stop and to get ready to go to the hospital. When a nurse gets on the phone, the man says, “Help! My have to send help! My wife is in labor!” The nurse very calmly asks if this is the woman’s first child. The husband yells, “No! This is her husband!”
A vicar is speaking to one of his parishioners one day. He says to the parishioner, “When you get to my age, you will spend a great deal of your time thinking about the hereafter,” to which the parishioner responds, “Why do you say that I will spend more of my time thinking about the hereafter?” The vicar responds, “Well, my friend. I’ve noticed that the older I become, the more I find myself going into a room and thinking, ‘What did in come in here after?’”
Joe died and he went to heaven where he found himself standing outside the gates and talking to St. Peter about his entrance into the gates of heaven. St. Peter said, “Joe, if you can answer one question for me, I will let you into heaven.” Joe responded that he is happy to answer one question for St. Peter. So St. Peter says to Joe, “Who is always with you?” “Oh! That is an easy one!” exclaims Joe, “It’s Andy!” St. Peter looks at Joe with some confusion, “Andy?” he questions. “Yes, haven’t you heard with hymn, “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me?”
A young man grew up his entire life saying that he wanted to grow up and become a great writer. He was once asked about what kind of writer he wanted to become in his life. “Oh,” he said, “I want to become the kind of writer who is great. I want to write about stuff that everyone in the world will read. I want what I write to make people react on an emotional level. I want them to scream, cry, howl in pain and anger,” he said of his writing. Now that he’s an adult, he is a writer. He writes error messages for Microsoft.
Whisper in Church
A mom took her young son to church with her one Sunday. During the middle of service her little boy looked at her and informed her that he has to go pee. The mother, upset with her son, firmly told him that it’s not acceptable to say ‘pee’ in church and that the next time he has to go to the bathroom he needs to tell her that he has to ‘whisper’. The following Sunday the same boy went to church again, this time with both of his parents. He leaned over to his father during the middle of service and said, “Daddy, I have to whisper,” to which his father replied, “Go ahead and whisper in my ear, son.”
Lawyers and Grass
One day a wealthy lawyer was driving down the road in his BMW when he spotted two men eating grass on the side of the road. He pulled over and asked the two men what they were doing. They explained to him that they were down on their luck, had no jobs, no money and no food so they were eating grass. The lawyer had an idea. He asked the men to come with him and explained to them that he wanted to help. They drove to the lawyer’s beautiful 5-acre estate and they thanked him so much for his willingness to feed them. The lawyer dropped the men off on the side of his lawn and said, “Eat all the grass you want! It’s at least a food high.”
God Created Women
When God realized that Adam wasn’t happy, he asked him why. Adam told God that he was lonely. God said, “Adam, I’m going to give you a companion. She will cook and clean for you, bear your children, never wake you in the night to help caring for the children. She will not nag, she will not whine and she will take care of you hand and foot without complaining and with a smile on her face, and she will be called a woman,” Adam asked God what his would cost him. God answered, “An arm and a leg.” Adam thought about it and said, “What can I get for a rib?”
The World Series
A man had front row seats to the final game of the World Series, right behind home plate. A man walks down the stands and asks if the seat next to him is taken. The man replies sadly, “No. This seat actually belonged to my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Series she’s missed since we were married in 1994.” The other man said, “Wow. I’m so sorry, but you couldn’t find anyone else to come with you? Not a friend or family member who would love to sit in this seat?” The sad man replied, “No. They’re all at my wife’s funeral.”
Dad Knows Best
A man and his son go fishing one morning. It was quiet for a few hours until the son looked at his father and said, “Dad? How do fish breathe under water?” “I don’t know, son,” replied the father. “Dad? How does our boat float on water?” “I don’t know, son.” “Dad, why is the sky blue?” “I have no idea, son.” “Dad, am I bothering you asking all these questions?” “Of course not, son. How else are you ever going to learn anything if you don’t ask?”
A police officer pulled over a car that was going 87 MPH in a 35 MPH zone. He was surprised to see a little old lady barely tall enough to see over the wheel. He said to her, “Ma’am! Do you know how fast you were driving?” She calmly replied, “I almost had her up to 90, sir.” The officer asked her why she was going so fast in a 35 MPH zone and she replied, “I was just trying to follow the rules of the road.” And the officer said, “What?” She replied, “I was going 35 and then the next sign said, ‘Speed Zone Ahead’.”
An Alabama fan, a Florida Fan and an FSU fan were standing on top of a mountain. They were all good friends, except during college football season because of their rivalries. The Alabama fan said he was going to show that he was the biggest Bama fan in the world by jumping off the mountain. So he did. Then the Florida fan declared that he was going to prove he was the biggest Florida fan in the entire world. He then pushed the FSU fan off the side of the mountain.
The Lawyer and the Devil
An ambitious young lawyer was in her office late one night when the Devil appeared. He said that he had a proposition for her. “I will make you the best lawyer in the world. You will win every case. Your colleagues will be in awe. You will be rich and famous and everyone will love you because you are so smart and so talented. In return, I want the souls of your husband, your kids, your parents, your grandparents and everyone in the world you love.” The lawyer looked at the devil and replied, “So what’s the catch?”
Two ropes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a beer. He tells them to get lost because he doesn’t serve ropes in his bar. The two ropes leave and try to figure out what to do since this is the only bar in town. One has a great idea, and they begin to bind themselves up and frizzle their ends. They walk back into the bar and ask for a beer. The bartender said, “Okay, but aren’t you the two ropes that came in here earlier tonight?” The ropes answered, “No, I’m frayed knot.”
The Blonde Flight
A blonde gets on a plane bound for Chicago and leaves her seat in economy to sit in first class. When the flight attendant tells her she has to go back to economy because she didn’t pay for a first class ticket, the blonde says, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here in this seat.” The flight attendant and the blonde repeat this process a few times before the attendant gets the pilot. The same thing happens to the pilot when he tries to talk to the blonde. He goes back to the cockpit and begins to radio the tower for assistance when the co-pilot asks him to wait just a second. “I’m married to a blonde,” he tells the captain. “I speak blonde, let me handle it.” He goes up to the blonde, whispers in her ear and she said, “Oh, I’m so sorry,” before getting up and going back to her economy seat. “How did you do that?” his colleagues ask him. “Easy. I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”